What can the offending party in a divorce do to make himself right with God?

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

First off, thank you very much for your website. I have found it very enlightening. I do have a related question to the divorce issue.

I am a fully devoted, (at least as fully devoted as a "sinful" man reborn can be), man of God. I have been married to my wife for seven years now. We have both been unfaithful to each other at various times throughout our marriage - some even by mutual consent. I have been more of a repeat offender than my wife however, and have vowed on multiple occasions not to do it again, only to go out and commit adultery once again.

I recently gave my life fully back to the Lord, and confessed and repented of my adulterous lifestyle, (I do still struggle with masterbation and lust, however that is a topic for another day.) Part of the recommitment involved confession of my infidelity to my wife, and it involved one of her "best friends".

Now, as a man of God, I want to do what is biblically right; however, she is an unbeliever. She wants a divorce on the grounds that I have been unfaithful one too many times for her. I am inclined to want to work out our marriage. We have a seven year old son.

I suppose I should take this opportunity to point out the obvious, our son was conceived outside of marriage, at a time when neither of us were even considering a relationship with God, at least not seriously anyways.

Now, I know the bible tells us if an unbeliever wants to leave, let them, and if a man divorces his wife and remarries he commits adultery, and a whole bunch of other things regarding scripture. I also know that it tells us if a man wants to be a leader in the church he is to be a husband of only one wife.

Now my question is this, I truly feel the Lord may be leading me into ministry, and I want to do everything the Lord leads me to do. Now since my wife wants a divorce, and we are told if an unbeliever wishes to leave let them, do I give my wife the divorce first off, (I am pretty sure scripturally the answer to this one is a definite yes.) Second, once I give my wife the divorce, am I required to remain single unless I be remarried to her, (which is what my perception, though it is very limited, of the scriptures tells me.) Or am I free to remarry. And If I am free to remarry then please provide me with ample scriptural references to back this.

Also, if I remain single in hope of a resurrection of this marriage and she remarries, do I still remain single? And if I remarry, since the scripture teaches that a leader in the church is to be married to only one person does this limit my role that I can have in effective ministry for the Lord.

Sorry I know this is a complex and intricate question, I have been pouring through the scriptures to find an answer one way or the other on this, and it seems like as soon as I think I have the answer something comes along to change my mind, and it all seems to be from a biblical perspective. I know the Bible teaches a clear message on this, I just don't know what it is, and I feel kind of like Timothy who Paul described as needing to grow up in his faith so he wouldn't be blown to and fro by each new "wind of doctrine" that comes along.

MY RESPONSE:

I am assuming you have read my report: Divorce: God’s Protection For The Innocent. The questions you are asking are very controversial; however, I will give you what I believe the Bible teaches. Ultimately, you must find peace in your own heart before God and make your own decision on Scripture.

Now since my wife wants a divorce, and we are told if an unbeliever wishes to leave let them, do I give my wife the divorce first off?

The ideal thing would be for both you and your wife to go to a Christian marriage counsellor and receive personal help. Whether or not your wife is willing to go, you should go to your Pastor and listen to his advice. Biblically, if both parties are guilty of the same offense then there is no Biblical divorce; however, since your wife is an unbeliever, I would say give her the divorce if she insists on it.

Am I free to remarry?

A marriage is a covenant and a divorce is a death. If the divorce is Biblically legitimate, then both parties are free to remarry. I highly recommend you read Ray Sutton’s Book: Second Chance which will give you the Scriptural details you need. It is available free from www.freebooks.com - look under author Ray Sutton.

If I remain single in hope of a resurrection of this marriage and she remarries, do I still remain single?

If she remarries then the Bible does forbid remarrying her if that marriage fails. Whether you remain single or not is up to you. Certainly, you should be truthful and have full disclosure with any prospective future wife. She should be willing to forgive and live with your past, not marry in ignorance. That would be deceptive.

And if I remarry, since the scripture teaches that a leader in the church is to be married to only one person does this limit my role that I can have in effective ministry for the Lord?

The Scripture you are thinking of is, I believe, dealing with the issue of having more than one wife at the same - which would also be the case if the divorce was not Biblically legitimate. Having a Biblically legitimate divorce and remarrying does not hinder one in ministry.

As far as God leading you into ministry, that is not for me to say; however, you have some very fundamental issues which must be overcome before entering ministry. Ministry is a pressure cooker. If there are unresolved sin issues - I know no one is perfect - then I am afraid that such ministry may “blow up” hurting you and others. God does wipe away our sins and He uses people with all kinds of “pasts” - the author of Amazing Grace was a former slave ship captain. Nevertheless, we need to be walking in victory before entering ministry.

In considering remarriage, if you divorce, you should wait a few years before re-entering a relationship. You need time to have your emotions settle down and your mind clear. You do not want to marry on the rebound. Also, you need time to fight and defeat, through the power of the Holy Spirit, the sin of lust and sexual temptations. You should consider your body pure and solely for the Lord. If, after enough time passes, the Lord brings another lady into your life, who is willing to accept your past, God’s blessing be with you. For now concentrate on getting your life back on track.

Please do not rush into marriage or ministry. God is not in a hurry, trust Him, and wait on Him for His timing.