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Catholic Jokes

Catholic jokes are not intended to make fun of the beliefs of people, but to provide humor in a Catholic setting. So enjoy the Catholic jokes belong...and if you know of any good ones let me know. Protestant jokes are available as well.

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After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, 

"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, 

"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! 

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. 

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 

"I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 

"So bust him," said the Chief. 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. 

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. 

The Chief then asked, 

"Who ya got there, the Mayor?" 

Cop: "Bigger." 

Chief: "Governor?" 

Cop: "Bigger." 

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?" 

Cop: "I think it's God!" 

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" 

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" 


A man decides he wants to become a monk so he goes to see the Abbot. The Abbot goes over what is required. The final requirement is to take a vow of silence.

"But," says the Abbot, " every ten years you may say two words."

The man agrees and joins the Abby. After ten years the Abbot calls him into his office and tells him he may say his two words.

"Bed hard," says the monk.

"Thank you for the information," replies the Abbot, "we will look into it."

Another ten years goes by and the man is again called into the Abbot's office to speak his two words.

"Food cold."

"Thank you," replies the Abbot again," we will look into it."

After the man has spend thirty years in the Abby he is again called into the Abbot's office to speak his two words.

"I quit."

"I'm not surprised," responded the Abbot, "you haven't done anything but complain since you got here."


Two nuns went to baseball game. Their habits blocked the view of two men behind them in the stands so the men decided to have a little fun at the nun's expense.

The first man said, "I think we should move to Ohio. I understand there are not very many Catholics there."

The second man replied," No, we should move to Utah. There are hardly any Catholics there."

One of the nuns turned around and said, "You could go to Hell. There aren't any Catholics there."


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